The Effects of Divorce on Children

Effects of Divorce on Children

 – Trash Talking and the Damage Caused

A divorce is a very emotional time for all parties involved.  Regardless of the reason for the split, both parties usually go through a wide array of emotions from happiness to uncontrollable rage.  Often these feelings are more intense when children are involved.  To lessen the effects of divorce on children, the parties must control their own behavior and actions.

One way parents cause damage to their children before, during, and after a divorce, is by trash talking the other parent.  Talking badly about, or verbally attacking, your ex in the presence of your child damages your child in several ways, including the creation of various trust issues.

• Mistrust of the Other Parent:  When you say disparaging things about your child’s other parent within ear shot of your child, chances are they are listening.  Everyone needs to vent during a divorce, but you should do so at a time and place where your child is not present.  Even though you may no longer trust your ex when it comes to fidelity, finances, or other adult marital issues, your child must be able to in order to feel secure, safe, and loved. Children should not be told the details of your divorce.  They need to understand a divorce is not their fault, and that although their living arrangement may change, their relationships with their parents will not.  Always put your child first!  Save your rant and vent session for after the children go to bed, or when they are away.

• Mistrust of their Own Judgment:  When you repeatedly say your ex cannot be trusted, is a scumbag, or a bad father/mother and your child hears these statements they internalize them.  One of the reasons children often blame themselves for a divorce is because a child’s understanding of their world is very limited.  A child understands their world to revolve around them.  When parents discipline their child for bad behavior, the child is taught and usually understand that bad things happen, or they are deprived of something,  when they misbehave or do something wrong.  When a child’s world changes by their parents separating, they will often believe it is because they did something wrong.  When they hear you say derogatory things about their mom/dad they will begin to analyze why you would say that, why they didn’t know that, why they didn’t figure it out, what they did to make their parent that way.  All of this creates insecurity, which can result in a mistrust of their own judgment, emotions, and cause them difficulty in creating and maintaining future relationships.

• Mistrust of You:  It is likely you have taught your child not to lie, and that “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” So, when you tell your child “everything is fine,” or “mommy and daddy love each other, we just can’t live with each other,” and then they hear you say terrible things about mommy/daddy, they may decide you are a liar.  Your child may become unsure of what to believe – do they believe mom/dad when they say everything is fine, or when they say everything is terrible.  Should they believe you when you say terrible things about their mom/dad, or when you say you still love each other.

The effects of divorce on children are hard to determine prior to filing, and often do not present themselves until later in life.  However, controlling what you say about your child’s other parent is something completely within your control.  Remember, if you are in the car talking on your cell phone, and your child is in the car with you, they can hear everything you say.  You are entitled to express your emotions, and it is important to have a support system during your divorce that allows you to vent, but put your child’s needs first.  Lessen the negative effects of divorce on children by controlling what you can.

If you are contemplating divorce, contact the Ohio Divorce Attorney, Jamie L. Anderson, for a free in-office or telephone consultation. (937)879-9542